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r4punz3lTitle: Vampires vs. Zombies PRT
Chapter Rating: PG
Chapter Summary: In which our heroes make camp, and encounter an unexpected visitor.
Disclaimer: #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement
All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Word Count: ~2500
Author's Note: Beta’d by the wonderfulthemistoklis.
Previous chapters
Chapter 29
After they cleared the tank, Jon noticed how late it was. Well, not late, exactly, but close to dark. Zombies fought equally well at any time, but humans, Jon knew, could not see well in the dark. They had come so far, he hated to think they would fail now, because of something reaching out from the shadows, and taking them.
And he really wanted to hold Stephen. If this was it, then he at least wanted one last night.
“It’s getting dark,” Jon said to no one in particular.
Rebecca glanced up at the sky, and swore. “God damn it. Where are we going to spend the night?”
Rachel scanned the surrounding buildings. “Everything seems deserted around here,” she said. “Pick a place.”
“I don’t like that word, ‘seems.’ Sure it looks safe now, and then the zombies come out and chew on our heads after we go to sleep,” Rebecca countered.
“I can tell where zombies are,” Rachel said quietly. “Trust me, they aren’t here. And I have my own zombies I can call for help, remember?”
Rebecca flushed, but made no reply. Instead, she walked a few paces ahead and began peering into windows.
“How about a bank?” Adam suggested. “That’s plenty secure. We could sleep in the vault.”
“Do those things open from the inside?” Stephen asked.
“What about a pharmacy?” Ivy asked, pointing to a Walgreens sign. “Should still have some supplies we could use. And back by the drug counter should be fairly secure.”
“Sounds good to me,” Jon said. “Rebecca?” he asked. “What do you think?”
“It’ll do,” Rebecca said shortly. “Maybe the zombie lady should go first, check it out.”
Rachel frowned at Rebecca, but did not correct her. “Sure,” she said instead. “But I don’t think anyone should go in alone.”
“I’ll go with you,” Ivy said. Rebecca mad a sound of protest, but Ivy shook her head curtly. Rebecca frowned and crossed her arms over her stomach. Ivy sighed. “Come on,” she said to Rachel. “Let’s check it out.”
Jon looked at Stephen, who shrugged. Adam caught Jon’s eye and nodded. He knew what was going on, even if no one else did. Jon decided to try and talk to Adam without any of the girls later.
Rachel looked at the door to Walgreens. The glass was broken, and most of it had fallen to the ground outside, or the floor inside. A few sharp spikes still clung to the frame, but they were small, easily avoided. Rachel’s mind flashed back to the car dealership, Keith and Anderson impaled on crystalline shards. She shook her head, hard, to clear it, and stepped into the store, knocking the remaining pieces of glass from the doorframe.
Ivy followed her quietly, shoes softly crunching on the broken glass. The lights were out in the store, and the floor was a mess of dropped boxes and bags, spilled liquids, and scattered candy. Rachel sniffed delicately. “Do you smell that?” she asked Ivy. Ivy paused, and inhaled carefully. “All I smell is Gatorade,” she said, pointed to an overturned case of the sports drink.
“Same here,” Rachel said. “No blood. Or, at least not enough to smell.”
“So no one died in here?” Ivy asked.
Rachel shook her head. “Nope. Just the usual looting that happens society breaks down.”
“Lucky us,” Ivy said. “Let’s check out the drug counter, and then bring everyone else in.”
The two women made their way carefully back to the pharmacy. Most of the shelves were bare, although a rack of canes was nearly full. There was no one else in the store. “We’re clear,” Rachel said. “Go get the others.” Ivy nodded and headed back outside.
The streetlights were beginning to flicker on as Ivy walked outside. She saw that Rebecca, Adam, Jon, and Stephen had their backs pressed against the wall. “It’s okay,” she called out. “Come on in.”
“Is there a security gate?” Rebecca asked.
“I didn’t see it,” Ivy said. “But that doesn’t mean there isn’t one.” Rebecca ignored her, and stared up at the top of the doorframe. She reached up with her crowbar, and snagged something. Pulling hard, she released the safety gate, which came crashing down, hard. So hard that it bounced halfway back up.
“Looks good,” Adam said. He grabbed the bottom of the gate, and shoved it down, more gently than Rebecca had. The gate slipped into place with a quiet “snick.”
“Can you get that open fast?” Ivy asked.
Adam knelt on the floor, and began to fuss with the catch. Rebecca retreated behind the cashier’s counter and began fussing with things. She avoided looking at Ivy. Ivy sighed inwardly and walked towards the back of the store, after Jon and Stephen. She knew when Rebecca was in a mood, and she knew that it was a good idea to avoid Rebecca’s moods whenever possible.
Ivy scanned the aisles as she walked, picking up undamaged items as she went. Soon, her arms were full of packets of cough drops, a canister of protein powder, and a pair of orthopedic shoe inserts.
Back in the pharmacy, Jon and Stephen were pulling cushioned chairs together. “Is anyone actually going to sleep tonight?” Stephen asked.
“Probably not,” Jon said. “But the floor is even less comfortable, and cold, too.”
“Hi,” Ivy said. “I think I found dinner.” She held up her finds.
“Is there anything to drink around here?” Jon asked.
“You mean like water, or like booze?” Ivy asked.
“Either,” Stephen said. “You can’t just eat protein powder. You’ll choke.”
“I’ll keep looking,” Ivy said. She had taken a few steps away, when Rachel appeared in the doorway. Ivy started, but stayed quiet.
Rachel gave her a small smile. “There’s a water dispenser back here,” she said, jerking her thumb behind her. “Employee break room. It’s only a five-gallon bottle, and it’s not full.”
“But it’s better than nothing,” Ivy said. “Are there any cups?” Rachel shook her head. “Then I’ll go find some,” Ivy said. She walked away towards the party supply aisle.
“Is it just me, or is everyone really tense?” Rachel asked.
“It’s contagious,” Jon said. “Rebecca kind of freaked after you mentioned your zombie tracking skills. And now her mood has chilled Ivy and Adam.”
“Which isn’t helping any of us,” Stephen said. He held out his arms to Rachel, beckoning her for a hug. “I still like you,” he said. “Even if you are a zombie-whisperer.”
Rachel snorted, and hugged Stephen briefly. “Thanks,” she said. “I think it’s just setting in, for all of us, that it is only us now. We’ve left people behind, and that just eats away at you.”
Jon nodded. He sat down in one of the chairs, and pulled Stephen down into the chair beside him. “Then tonight,” he said. “We try and talk to everyone. Make sure they’re all right, and that we’re set to go tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow’s it, isn’t it?” Stephen asked. “We will face Beck, one way or another?”
“Yep,” Rachel said. Footsteps were approaching. The three pundits turned, and saw Ivy leading the way. She held a stack of red plastic cups in her hands. Behind her, Rebecca and Adam followed. Rebecca clutched at her crowbar, while Adam carried a bunch of canes and walking sticks.
“What are you doing with those?” Rachel asked.
Adam shrugged. “Something,” he said. He kicked a beanbag chair Jon had found, then dragged it next to Jon’s chair, beginning a campfire circle. Rebecca sat beside him. She said nothing, just stared at Rachel. Ivy sat next to Rebecca, while Rachel dragged a stool in from the pharmacy, and sat down on the other side of Stephen. Rebecca was directly opposite Rachel, as far away as she could get.
“Everyone comfy?” Ivy asked. She opened the canister of protein powder, and handed the cups to Adam. “Fill them up,” she said. “There’s a water cooler through there.” She pointed at the door to the break room. Adam complied.
“How come we don’t use the break room?” Jon asked. He was pretty sure he knew the answer already.
“Too crowded,” Rachel said lightly. “Besides, if we have to run, it’s easier to escape from here. Right, Rebecca?” Rebecca frowned, but nodded. “Yeah,” she said. “That’s right.”
Adam came back with the water, and Ivy began mixing up protein shakes. They were awful, lumpy and tasting like sour milk. No one wanted to drink it, but everyone did, at least part of it.
There was no conversation during dinner. Jon fussed with his phone, trying to get a signal. “I think two bars is all you’re going to get,” Stephen finally said.
“Probably,” Jon admitted. “Who do you want to call first?”
There was a long pause. “Someone who’s still around to answer the phone,” Ivy said at last. “I don’t have anyone like that. Who isn’t already here,” she added quickly.
“Nice save,” Adam said.
“What about Conan?” Stephen suggested. “Have we heard anything from him since this started?”
“No,” Jon said slowly. “All right, we’ll call Conan O’Brien.”
“Does he have an iPhone?” Ivy asked. “Do you think you could FaceTime if he does?”
“Good lord, who are you not a fangirl for?” Rebecca asked.
“Taylor Lautner,” Ivy said firmly. “I cannot stand that kid. He can’t act at all, and I am not impressed with his constant shirtlessness.”
Jon covered his mouth to stifle a giggle as the phone rang.
The phone rang, with long pauses in between each ring. Just as Jon was ready to hear a recording asking him to leave a message, someone picked up. “Hello?”
“Conan?” Jon asked.
“Yeah?” Conan said slowly.
Jon heaved a sigh of relief. “Oh, my God, you’re alive!” he said. “It’s Jon Stewart.”
“Jon!” Conan cried. “Oh, my God. I should be the one surprised that you’re still alive. I am surprised. Surprised and happy.”
“Oh, God, man,” Jon said. “Where are you? How is it in California?”
“Put him on speaker,” Ivy hissed. Jon looked up to see everyone staring at him intently.
“Oh, hang on,” Jon said. “I’m going to put you on speaker. Got a lot of people here.”
“You’re all safe?” Conan asked, as Jon pressed the button.
“No,” Rachel said. “Conan, it’s Rachel Maddow. No, we’ve lost some people.”
“I’m so sorry,” Conan said.
“Thank you,” Ivy said.
“And who is this?” Conan asked. He turned on his TV persona. “Is that a pretty lady?”
Ivy snorted. “Not really,” she said. “College sophomore from New York. The state, not the city. I’m Ivy.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Ivy,” Andy Richter said. Clearly, Conan had also switched to speakerphone.
Ivy smiled hugely. “Oh, my God, it’s Andy Richter,” she squealed.
“How many people are there with you, Jon?” Conan asked.
“There’s Stephen, Rachel Maddow, and Ivy,” Jon said. “And Ivy’s friend Rebecca, and Rebecca’s boyfriend, Adam.”
“And the rest?” Conan asked softly.
“We left a bunch of writers, Sam Bee, Jason Jones, John Oliver, and a lot of kids in a bowling alley,” Rebecca said. “They’re well supplied, and as secured as they can get.”
“Aasif Mandvi and Olivia Munn are in a van, in a locked car wash in Harlem,” Stephen added. “Olivia fell of the gas station roof and broke her ankle. Aasif stayed with her.”
“Keith Olbermann and Anderson Cooper are dead,” Rachel said, her voice carefully controlled.
“I’m so sorry,” Conan said. “We all are.”
“How many of you are there? Where is there?” Jon asked.
“We’re at Warner Brothers,” Andy said. “Conan had an idea about a week ago that the lot would be more secure than any house or neighborhood. So he told the staff and crew to bring their families.”
“And then, there were a bunch of fans that were just outside the gates, when Beck did his little announcement on TV,” Conan said, taking over the story. “We had to let them in. A lot of them were caught by the zombies, though.”
“And you guys are doing all right?” Jon asked.
“Yeah,” Conan said. “It wasn’t as bad out here as it was back East, you know?”
“That’s good,” Ivy said, calming back down. “If it’s only bad in certain areas, cleanup will be much easier.”
“Cleanup? Who is this girl?” Conan asked.
“She’s our resident zombie expert,” Rebecca said. “And her dad was one of the first to turn.”
“Oh, my God,” Conan breathed.
“Well, I always knew Glenn Beck would rot his brain,” Ivy said. “But now, we’re going to kill him. Maybe that will make all of this stop.”
“You’re going to what?” Andy said.
Jon sighed. “Yeah, we’re on our way to Fox studios to kill Glenn Beck,” he said.
“It’s a quest,” Stephen said.
“A quest,” Conan repeated. “How have you not all been ripped to shreds?”
“I’ve helped with that,” Rachel said. “Beck was the first, and the author if this disaster. But Roger Ailes thought that it would be wonderful if all his talking heads had Beck’s ability to enthrall their audiences. So he infected them with the annual flu shots.” She stopped, and took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of her nose to hold back tears.
“The rest of the networks picked up on the idea,” Stephen said, taking over. “Rachel got a flu shot, and her fans went nuts. Of course, Rachel being the soul of moderation, they haven’t been as destructive.”
“She can call her fans to protect her,” Ivy said, staring at Rebecca. “That’s why we’ve made it this far.”
There was a long pause. “Hello?” Jon asked. “Conan? You still there, man?”
“Yeah,” Conan said. “Wow. Kind of glad I’m in California, working for TBS. They’re way too cheap to do flu shots.”
“Same with Comedy Central,” Stephen said. “Never thought you’d be glad for misers, huh?”
“Nope,” Conan said. Jon’s phone beeped then. “What was that?”
“I’m almost out of battery,” Jon said.
“Well, I’ll make this quick,” Conan said. “What can I do to help?”
“Got any missiles?” Rebecca asked. “I’d love to take Beck out without getting so close to him.”
“I don’t think we do,” Conan said. “But we’ll look for some.”
“Just stay safe, man,” Jon said. “This will all be over soon, one way or another.”
“Will do,” Conan said. “Jon, charge your phone and call us when you’ve kicked Beck’s ass for all of us.”
Jon opened his mouth to reply, but the phone flickered, and the call dropped.
“Bye,” Ivy said softly. “It was nice meeting you.”
Jon slipped his phone back into his pocket, and leaned against Stephen. The students sat quietly, and even Rachel was silent. There was a loud, metallic shudder. Everyone jumped, and turned toward the front of the store. There was no doubt that someone was outside, rattling the security cage.
Chapter Rating: PG
Chapter Summary: In which our heroes make camp, and encounter an unexpected visitor.
Disclaimer: #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement
All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Word Count: ~2500
Author's Note: Beta’d by the wonderful
themistoklis.Previous chapters
Chapter 29
After they cleared the tank, Jon noticed how late it was. Well, not late, exactly, but close to dark. Zombies fought equally well at any time, but humans, Jon knew, could not see well in the dark. They had come so far, he hated to think they would fail now, because of something reaching out from the shadows, and taking them.
And he really wanted to hold Stephen. If this was it, then he at least wanted one last night.
“It’s getting dark,” Jon said to no one in particular.
Rebecca glanced up at the sky, and swore. “God damn it. Where are we going to spend the night?”
Rachel scanned the surrounding buildings. “Everything seems deserted around here,” she said. “Pick a place.”
“I don’t like that word, ‘seems.’ Sure it looks safe now, and then the zombies come out and chew on our heads after we go to sleep,” Rebecca countered.
“I can tell where zombies are,” Rachel said quietly. “Trust me, they aren’t here. And I have my own zombies I can call for help, remember?”
Rebecca flushed, but made no reply. Instead, she walked a few paces ahead and began peering into windows.
“How about a bank?” Adam suggested. “That’s plenty secure. We could sleep in the vault.”
“Do those things open from the inside?” Stephen asked.
“What about a pharmacy?” Ivy asked, pointing to a Walgreens sign. “Should still have some supplies we could use. And back by the drug counter should be fairly secure.”
“Sounds good to me,” Jon said. “Rebecca?” he asked. “What do you think?”
“It’ll do,” Rebecca said shortly. “Maybe the zombie lady should go first, check it out.”
Rachel frowned at Rebecca, but did not correct her. “Sure,” she said instead. “But I don’t think anyone should go in alone.”
“I’ll go with you,” Ivy said. Rebecca mad a sound of protest, but Ivy shook her head curtly. Rebecca frowned and crossed her arms over her stomach. Ivy sighed. “Come on,” she said to Rachel. “Let’s check it out.”
Jon looked at Stephen, who shrugged. Adam caught Jon’s eye and nodded. He knew what was going on, even if no one else did. Jon decided to try and talk to Adam without any of the girls later.
Rachel looked at the door to Walgreens. The glass was broken, and most of it had fallen to the ground outside, or the floor inside. A few sharp spikes still clung to the frame, but they were small, easily avoided. Rachel’s mind flashed back to the car dealership, Keith and Anderson impaled on crystalline shards. She shook her head, hard, to clear it, and stepped into the store, knocking the remaining pieces of glass from the doorframe.
Ivy followed her quietly, shoes softly crunching on the broken glass. The lights were out in the store, and the floor was a mess of dropped boxes and bags, spilled liquids, and scattered candy. Rachel sniffed delicately. “Do you smell that?” she asked Ivy. Ivy paused, and inhaled carefully. “All I smell is Gatorade,” she said, pointed to an overturned case of the sports drink.
“Same here,” Rachel said. “No blood. Or, at least not enough to smell.”
“So no one died in here?” Ivy asked.
Rachel shook her head. “Nope. Just the usual looting that happens society breaks down.”
“Lucky us,” Ivy said. “Let’s check out the drug counter, and then bring everyone else in.”
The two women made their way carefully back to the pharmacy. Most of the shelves were bare, although a rack of canes was nearly full. There was no one else in the store. “We’re clear,” Rachel said. “Go get the others.” Ivy nodded and headed back outside.
The streetlights were beginning to flicker on as Ivy walked outside. She saw that Rebecca, Adam, Jon, and Stephen had their backs pressed against the wall. “It’s okay,” she called out. “Come on in.”
“Is there a security gate?” Rebecca asked.
“I didn’t see it,” Ivy said. “But that doesn’t mean there isn’t one.” Rebecca ignored her, and stared up at the top of the doorframe. She reached up with her crowbar, and snagged something. Pulling hard, she released the safety gate, which came crashing down, hard. So hard that it bounced halfway back up.
“Looks good,” Adam said. He grabbed the bottom of the gate, and shoved it down, more gently than Rebecca had. The gate slipped into place with a quiet “snick.”
“Can you get that open fast?” Ivy asked.
Adam knelt on the floor, and began to fuss with the catch. Rebecca retreated behind the cashier’s counter and began fussing with things. She avoided looking at Ivy. Ivy sighed inwardly and walked towards the back of the store, after Jon and Stephen. She knew when Rebecca was in a mood, and she knew that it was a good idea to avoid Rebecca’s moods whenever possible.
Ivy scanned the aisles as she walked, picking up undamaged items as she went. Soon, her arms were full of packets of cough drops, a canister of protein powder, and a pair of orthopedic shoe inserts.
Back in the pharmacy, Jon and Stephen were pulling cushioned chairs together. “Is anyone actually going to sleep tonight?” Stephen asked.
“Probably not,” Jon said. “But the floor is even less comfortable, and cold, too.”
“Hi,” Ivy said. “I think I found dinner.” She held up her finds.
“Is there anything to drink around here?” Jon asked.
“You mean like water, or like booze?” Ivy asked.
“Either,” Stephen said. “You can’t just eat protein powder. You’ll choke.”
“I’ll keep looking,” Ivy said. She had taken a few steps away, when Rachel appeared in the doorway. Ivy started, but stayed quiet.
Rachel gave her a small smile. “There’s a water dispenser back here,” she said, jerking her thumb behind her. “Employee break room. It’s only a five-gallon bottle, and it’s not full.”
“But it’s better than nothing,” Ivy said. “Are there any cups?” Rachel shook her head. “Then I’ll go find some,” Ivy said. She walked away towards the party supply aisle.
“Is it just me, or is everyone really tense?” Rachel asked.
“It’s contagious,” Jon said. “Rebecca kind of freaked after you mentioned your zombie tracking skills. And now her mood has chilled Ivy and Adam.”
“Which isn’t helping any of us,” Stephen said. He held out his arms to Rachel, beckoning her for a hug. “I still like you,” he said. “Even if you are a zombie-whisperer.”
Rachel snorted, and hugged Stephen briefly. “Thanks,” she said. “I think it’s just setting in, for all of us, that it is only us now. We’ve left people behind, and that just eats away at you.”
Jon nodded. He sat down in one of the chairs, and pulled Stephen down into the chair beside him. “Then tonight,” he said. “We try and talk to everyone. Make sure they’re all right, and that we’re set to go tomorrow.”
“Tomorrow’s it, isn’t it?” Stephen asked. “We will face Beck, one way or another?”
“Yep,” Rachel said. Footsteps were approaching. The three pundits turned, and saw Ivy leading the way. She held a stack of red plastic cups in her hands. Behind her, Rebecca and Adam followed. Rebecca clutched at her crowbar, while Adam carried a bunch of canes and walking sticks.
“What are you doing with those?” Rachel asked.
Adam shrugged. “Something,” he said. He kicked a beanbag chair Jon had found, then dragged it next to Jon’s chair, beginning a campfire circle. Rebecca sat beside him. She said nothing, just stared at Rachel. Ivy sat next to Rebecca, while Rachel dragged a stool in from the pharmacy, and sat down on the other side of Stephen. Rebecca was directly opposite Rachel, as far away as she could get.
“Everyone comfy?” Ivy asked. She opened the canister of protein powder, and handed the cups to Adam. “Fill them up,” she said. “There’s a water cooler through there.” She pointed at the door to the break room. Adam complied.
“How come we don’t use the break room?” Jon asked. He was pretty sure he knew the answer already.
“Too crowded,” Rachel said lightly. “Besides, if we have to run, it’s easier to escape from here. Right, Rebecca?” Rebecca frowned, but nodded. “Yeah,” she said. “That’s right.”
Adam came back with the water, and Ivy began mixing up protein shakes. They were awful, lumpy and tasting like sour milk. No one wanted to drink it, but everyone did, at least part of it.
There was no conversation during dinner. Jon fussed with his phone, trying to get a signal. “I think two bars is all you’re going to get,” Stephen finally said.
“Probably,” Jon admitted. “Who do you want to call first?”
There was a long pause. “Someone who’s still around to answer the phone,” Ivy said at last. “I don’t have anyone like that. Who isn’t already here,” she added quickly.
“Nice save,” Adam said.
“What about Conan?” Stephen suggested. “Have we heard anything from him since this started?”
“No,” Jon said slowly. “All right, we’ll call Conan O’Brien.”
“Does he have an iPhone?” Ivy asked. “Do you think you could FaceTime if he does?”
“Good lord, who are you not a fangirl for?” Rebecca asked.
“Taylor Lautner,” Ivy said firmly. “I cannot stand that kid. He can’t act at all, and I am not impressed with his constant shirtlessness.”
Jon covered his mouth to stifle a giggle as the phone rang.
The phone rang, with long pauses in between each ring. Just as Jon was ready to hear a recording asking him to leave a message, someone picked up. “Hello?”
“Conan?” Jon asked.
“Yeah?” Conan said slowly.
Jon heaved a sigh of relief. “Oh, my God, you’re alive!” he said. “It’s Jon Stewart.”
“Jon!” Conan cried. “Oh, my God. I should be the one surprised that you’re still alive. I am surprised. Surprised and happy.”
“Oh, God, man,” Jon said. “Where are you? How is it in California?”
“Put him on speaker,” Ivy hissed. Jon looked up to see everyone staring at him intently.
“Oh, hang on,” Jon said. “I’m going to put you on speaker. Got a lot of people here.”
“You’re all safe?” Conan asked, as Jon pressed the button.
“No,” Rachel said. “Conan, it’s Rachel Maddow. No, we’ve lost some people.”
“I’m so sorry,” Conan said.
“Thank you,” Ivy said.
“And who is this?” Conan asked. He turned on his TV persona. “Is that a pretty lady?”
Ivy snorted. “Not really,” she said. “College sophomore from New York. The state, not the city. I’m Ivy.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Ivy,” Andy Richter said. Clearly, Conan had also switched to speakerphone.
Ivy smiled hugely. “Oh, my God, it’s Andy Richter,” she squealed.
“How many people are there with you, Jon?” Conan asked.
“There’s Stephen, Rachel Maddow, and Ivy,” Jon said. “And Ivy’s friend Rebecca, and Rebecca’s boyfriend, Adam.”
“And the rest?” Conan asked softly.
“We left a bunch of writers, Sam Bee, Jason Jones, John Oliver, and a lot of kids in a bowling alley,” Rebecca said. “They’re well supplied, and as secured as they can get.”
“Aasif Mandvi and Olivia Munn are in a van, in a locked car wash in Harlem,” Stephen added. “Olivia fell of the gas station roof and broke her ankle. Aasif stayed with her.”
“Keith Olbermann and Anderson Cooper are dead,” Rachel said, her voice carefully controlled.
“I’m so sorry,” Conan said. “We all are.”
“How many of you are there? Where is there?” Jon asked.
“We’re at Warner Brothers,” Andy said. “Conan had an idea about a week ago that the lot would be more secure than any house or neighborhood. So he told the staff and crew to bring their families.”
“And then, there were a bunch of fans that were just outside the gates, when Beck did his little announcement on TV,” Conan said, taking over the story. “We had to let them in. A lot of them were caught by the zombies, though.”
“And you guys are doing all right?” Jon asked.
“Yeah,” Conan said. “It wasn’t as bad out here as it was back East, you know?”
“That’s good,” Ivy said, calming back down. “If it’s only bad in certain areas, cleanup will be much easier.”
“Cleanup? Who is this girl?” Conan asked.
“She’s our resident zombie expert,” Rebecca said. “And her dad was one of the first to turn.”
“Oh, my God,” Conan breathed.
“Well, I always knew Glenn Beck would rot his brain,” Ivy said. “But now, we’re going to kill him. Maybe that will make all of this stop.”
“You’re going to what?” Andy said.
Jon sighed. “Yeah, we’re on our way to Fox studios to kill Glenn Beck,” he said.
“It’s a quest,” Stephen said.
“A quest,” Conan repeated. “How have you not all been ripped to shreds?”
“I’ve helped with that,” Rachel said. “Beck was the first, and the author if this disaster. But Roger Ailes thought that it would be wonderful if all his talking heads had Beck’s ability to enthrall their audiences. So he infected them with the annual flu shots.” She stopped, and took a deep breath, pinching the bridge of her nose to hold back tears.
“The rest of the networks picked up on the idea,” Stephen said, taking over. “Rachel got a flu shot, and her fans went nuts. Of course, Rachel being the soul of moderation, they haven’t been as destructive.”
“She can call her fans to protect her,” Ivy said, staring at Rebecca. “That’s why we’ve made it this far.”
There was a long pause. “Hello?” Jon asked. “Conan? You still there, man?”
“Yeah,” Conan said. “Wow. Kind of glad I’m in California, working for TBS. They’re way too cheap to do flu shots.”
“Same with Comedy Central,” Stephen said. “Never thought you’d be glad for misers, huh?”
“Nope,” Conan said. Jon’s phone beeped then. “What was that?”
“I’m almost out of battery,” Jon said.
“Well, I’ll make this quick,” Conan said. “What can I do to help?”
“Got any missiles?” Rebecca asked. “I’d love to take Beck out without getting so close to him.”
“I don’t think we do,” Conan said. “But we’ll look for some.”
“Just stay safe, man,” Jon said. “This will all be over soon, one way or another.”
“Will do,” Conan said. “Jon, charge your phone and call us when you’ve kicked Beck’s ass for all of us.”
Jon opened his mouth to reply, but the phone flickered, and the call dropped.
“Bye,” Ivy said softly. “It was nice meeting you.”
Jon slipped his phone back into his pocket, and leaned against Stephen. The students sat quietly, and even Rachel was silent. There was a loud, metallic shudder. Everyone jumped, and turned toward the front of the store. There was no doubt that someone was outside, rattling the security cage.
